First Week of MotherhoodMonday, August 17, 2015
This first week has been a whirlwind. The first two nights after birth were probably the most difficult for me since I had just come out of surgery (c-section) and I was pretty drugged up and in a lot of pain. Thankfully my husband was there to take care of things while I was pretty much unable to move. I have to admit that these were the hardest nights because I felt like it was my responsibility to take care of the baby but I was just laying in a bed hearing my baby cry and seeing my husband scrambling for formula and diapers while the nurses came in and out to take my blood, my pressure, my temperature, help my husband with the baby as he helped me stand up to go to the bathroom. My hormones were also out of whack as I cried every time I got to hold her and felt so incapable of being her momma. However, as difficult as those nights were I started healing pretty fast and soon enough I was able to hold her and feed her as my body started going back to normal.
Coming home from the hospital was probably one of the best days for both my husband and I, as we finally were able to have some privacy and didn't have people coming in and out of our room every half an hour. However, as I arrived home I was feeling pretty defeated knowing that while in the hospital my husband, family and the nurses had been taking care of the baby, I had barely even changed her diaper twice. As my husband finally was able to get some sleep, Mia started crying and not wanting to wake my husband I picked her up and held her in my arms as I bounced her around the house and looked at her tiny body and her little crying face. I couldn't believe that this tiny baby had been inside of me and now she was here, in my arms. I didn't know what else to do to calm her cry so I began to sing, suddenly her little body relaxed and stared at my face like she could recognize me. Like she knew my voice. And as she stared into my eyes, it was like we had known each other all along. She recognized my voice and slowly started to fall asleep in my arms. I sat in my office, holding her tight and I wept. Through my tears I prayed "Please, God, I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know how to be her mom. Please, please guide me. Help me. I don't know what I'm doing."
I didn't hear an answer and there was no sign, but in that moment I somehow felt assured that I would be okay. That I would learn and know what to do as I went. And as the days have passed by, somehow, I've been able to know what she wants, to recognize her cries, to calm her, to change her and put her down to sleep. I still can't believe that she is my daughter, at times I feel like there's just a little baby living in my house, and is my responsibility to take care of her. But as the days pass I can honestly say that I feel happier, and more secure on this new role I've taken on. I love my little baby and I couldn't see my life any other way.